i loved you all along
by lovesmoonpie15
Summary: "As I watched her walk down the aisle, I came to the sad conclusion that I would always love Orihime. Even if her heart never belonged to me... mine would always belong to her". One-sided RukiHime. Two-shots.


**Pairings:** Rukihime. Ichihime. Implied RenRuki.

 **Rating:** M because of a certain scene, and because sometimes Rukia can't control herself.

 **Warning:** There's a lot of yuri going on, so if you don't like it, don't read it. And this is not at all how I see Rukia, but how I believe she'd see herself in this situation.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach, Kubo Tite does. If I did, it'd probably be a shoujo and wouldn't be as fun as it is. And Orihime would marry Ichigo and Rukia.

-x-

For the last 40 years of my life, I've felt lonely.

Was I always lonely? No, I wasn't. I used to have a family, a true family, but that family was lost with time. I still hold the pain of this loss in my heart until nowadays. Many decades ago, I was able to become a shinigami and I've made some colleagues with time. But no deep bonds. Nothing more than "how you doing?" or "nice to see you". It was better than with my big brother, at least. He never even looked at me.

During the mornings, I was able to smile and carry on with my day just fine. But when night came, it became dark and I was all by myself, again.

It was a never ending feeling.

Until the day I was sent to the human world. That same day, I saved a boy with orange hair who, surprisingly, had enough reiatsu to see me in my shinigami form. I ended up having to give him my shinigami powers and that stripped me of mine. So I had no other choice but to remain in the human world for more days than I was supposed to.

And get a gigai.

…

The first time I saw her, I thought she was an airhead. What kind of person acted as if an accident was a bug landing on your shoulder?

It sounds mean, but I never took it as an offensive remark. She was entirely something else, completely different from any other girl I'd seen. She had auburn long shiny hair, a curvy body that would make any other woman of her age jealous, and large grey eyes. Her voice was soft and caring, and she expressed nothing other than innocence.

After observing all that, while she chatted with Ichigo Kurosaki, the boy I borrowed my powers to, I came to another conclusion.

That girl was not human.

She was an angel.

Inoue Orihime, that was her name.

I stopped ogling the minute I saw a strange mark on her leg and asked her about it. She and Ichigo chatted a bit more, and I got lost into my thoughts about how that looked like hollow's claws. I immediately begun to get worried.

As she left, after refusing Ichigo's offer to walk her home, I watched her. She walked with grace and innocence, resembling both a woman and a child. I was taken aback by this odd feeling that started to grow into my chest, but I shrugged it off.

I had other more important things to worry about.

It would go away eventually.

…

It didn't.

She approached me in school and welcomed me into her girls' group. It was a bit weird having such female influence in my life. Although I was one, most of the time in my life I was always surrounded by boys. So I never acted like the other girls. I found it strange to even wear these school uniforms, with skirts and tight shirts. However, what amazed me the most, was how I didn't feel uncomfortable around her.

Instead of always asking me questions, like the other girls did, she always offered me her lunch and had a sweet smile on her face while doing so. I just couldn't help myself. My heart started beating quicker whenever she approached me, and it went like crazy whenever she touched me or gave me that caring smile.

I had no idea what was wrong with me. Was my gigai having heart problems? And why specifically when Orihime approached? I didn't remember feeling like this before. It was something extraordinarily new. And it scared me.

Whatever it was, I shouldn't feel this way.

I shouldn't feel anything to begin with.

I would have to leave, very soon, and the probabilities I'd see her again were 0.

There was no point in having those feelings.

…

She was in love with Ichigo.

She didn't say it to me, directly, but she hinted at it when she pointed out the girl team would win if both of us liked him. I was pretty sure I held no romantic feelings for him… he was slowly becoming someone important to me, that I would not deny… but he never made me feel the way she did. Nobody else did.

And when I heard that statement, I felt it hurting in the gut.

Why? I had no reason to feel sad over this statement. She wasn't anything of mine to say who she should have feelings for, or not.

I was aware of all that. Yet, it still hurt. But I brushed it aside and chose to simply focus on the way her hair moved along with the wind, and the way her lips moved as she ate her strange, yet adorable food. She was pure perfection and I admired her so much.

 _Is this what I feel_?, I thought then, _admiration?_

No. That couldn't have been it. It was something more… something greater. But I didn't have the time to find out then… I would be leaving very soon… this might've been the last time I saw her gorgeous face.

The last time I would be able to be near her and just stay there, watching her and the way she moved.

Tears almost came into my eyes as we talked, but I held them. I hated crying in public and… I couldn't waste my time.

I just wanted to be near her. Nothing else mattered.

…

I hate myself.

I'm a complete idiot.

My childhood friend, Abarai Renji and my older brother, Kuchiki Byakuya have come to take me back to Soul Society… where I would be punished for my crimes. And Ichigo came for me, and tried to save me, but that only resulted into him dying.

There's no way he could possibly survive with the wounds my brother caused.

My friend was hurt, and he was about to die as I crossed the Senkaimon… yet, all I was able to think about was her.

I knew since the start things would end like this… I'd be punished for my crimes. And I couldn't make any attachments to the human world. I always knew they'd come for me.

Yet, that didn't stop me from getting to know her, getting attached to her and the world she lived in. The simple thought of never seeing her again was making me weep like a child. Tears fell from my eyes the same way the rain fell from the sky.

I was to blame for the own way I was feeling. I always knew I'd have to leave, but I stayed. I stayed by her side until I couldn't anymore.

That's why I hate myself. Because I put myself into this situation. Because I was selfish and immature.

Because I fell in love with someone I would never have.

…

It'd been a few days since Renji and Nii-sama took me back to Soul Society. And these days have been nothing other than pure loneliness. It was like going back to that time when my shadow was the only friend I had.

Renji came to inform me that Ichigo had come to Soul Society. I was taken by a hurricane of feelings at the same time. I was insanely glad that Ichigo had been able to survive, and also felt happiness over the fact that he'd care enough to come.

Then horror begun to take over me when I found out he hadn't come alone. I was informed about Sado's presence, Ishida's presence… and Orihime's presence.

The mere thought of seeing her again began to grow hope in my heart and that was the last thing I wanted. I'd been able to make peace with the fact I would be executed, with the thought of her kind smile in my head… but now I knew I had the chance of seeing her face again, and my heart began to squeeze at the longing.

There I went again, with my selfish love.

I tried to ignore it for the next days, and until the day of the execution. As I was positioned, I thought about what happened during my entire life, from the beginning to its end. I was glad I'd been able to meet Ichigo… in him I found a friend I could count on… and thanks to him, I also got to know the angel of grey eyes that charmed me in my dreams.

I was so thankful.

I was aware that, to both Ichigo and Orihime, the two months I spent in the human world weren't easy. Both of them went through hard times and I was aware of my responsibility in all of it. But to me, they were special.

When I started helping Ichigo to protect his friends, the only reason I protected her was because she was Ichigo's friend. That was the least I could do for him… but as time went by, things changed. My reason to protect her was simply because I wanted to protect her. I had more family with her and Ichigo than in the last 40 years.

Loneliness had been my only company through the years, and when I came to the human world, they changed that.

It was with this thought that I asked the captain commander to spare their lives. They allowed it, and a relief entered my heart, one I'd never felt before.

Finally, I could go in peace.

At least I could die with the images of the happy moments I was able to spend at Orihime's side. Even if I could never thank her personally, at least I could thank her in my heart. Thank her for welcoming me into her world and making me a part of it.

I would never forget it.

And I would never forget her.

Then I opened my eyes and saw Ichigo standing ahead of me.

…

The next time I saw her, she was healing Ichigo. It was from afar, but the glimpse I caught was enough to make my heart go wild, like I'd been running. A feeling of peace and tenderness spun inside me as I smiled at the vision of her.

God, how I loved her.

I didn't know if this was what being in love actually meant, but in my heart it was. The way she made me feel was what gave me strength to stand in my feet, even if they were tired and hurting, and what encouraged me to smile again.

And when I least expected it, she turned around and her grey orbits met my violet ones.

And there it was, the smile I'd been longing for. It was like the air I'd been missing had been restored into me again. Looking at her smile was like finally acknowledging my own existence. It made me feel warm and loved.

Even if she didn't love me.

After a while, she started to walk towards me and I began sweating. For the first time, I worried about my looks. Was I too dirty? Did my hair look like a mess?

As she came closer, I realized that none of that mattered. No woman could ever look as good as her. It was just impossible. She was unique.

After a while, she stopped, only a few centimeters away, the same bright smile on her pinkish lips I wanted to touch with mine. Those feeling were starting to suffocate me, so I did my best to disguise, hoping she wouldn't notice how loud my heart was beating.

As we looked into each other's eyes, it was like the time around us had stopped, just for that moment. The wind moved along with her hair, and the sun shone, almost as if only for her.

"It's been a while, ne, Kuchiki-san?"

Her voice. Her sweet cheering voice. How had I been able to survive without her voice around? And what was happening to mine? Why couldn't I find anything to say? Had I finally gone mute because of my heartbeats?

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Before I knew it, my chest begun to ache. I felt suffocated, I wanted to scream how much I loved her, how much she meant to me, but the only thing that came out was:

"Yeah… Inoue,"

I didn't realize until then how shaky my voice was. It was also when I realized I had started crying… when had that happened? There was a tender look of worry on her face, clouded in my eyes, and she approached me more, to my surprise, slowly evolving me into a warm hug.

I sobbed.

I didn't mean to cry in front of her, but I couldn't help myself. I had almost died… twice, and she was all I could think about. And now, here she was, standing in front of me… my hope.

Being in her arms was like coming home. It was like I'd been thirsty for my whole life, and I had finally found a source of water to satisfy my needs.

Her tiny arms were weak, and at the same time firm around me. It took me some time, but eventually I hugged her back, my hands squeezing her shikakushou and pressing her closer to me, as I buried my face into her neck, feeling the strands of her soft hair hitting my face. It smelled delicious, just like her.

And I could stay frozen in that moment forever.

…

The next time I see her, we say goodbye.

I don't see her for weeks.

…

Staying in Soul Society was a decision that I made… I was finally coming to my senses. I'd mended my friendship with Renji, and had somehow been able to grow closer to my Nii-sama, Byakuya. It would be unfair of me to just leave them behind and start a new life in the human world.

Even if I wanted to stand beside her forever.

Even if I could chase her forever and never grow tired.

I couldn't be selfish anymore.

One month went by, and it was like my life returned to normal. It was weird not having her around, but at least I knew I would be able to see her again someday, and I could live with that.

But the next time I hear about her, it was like horror.

She'd been hurt by an Arrancar.

The minute Renji informed me of this, I felt like the ground beneath me shook. I immediately wanted to run to the Senkaimon and see her. Hold her in my arms and protect her.

I felt angry at first. Angry at Ichigo for not stopping it from happening, until they told me about his Hollow problem. Once again, I let myself be selfish and blamed him because she'd gotten hurt. This was bringing a horrible side of me, yet, nothing else in my life could make me feel better than the feeling I guarded for her.

I was sent to Karakura again, along with Renji, Captain Hitsugaya, his lieutenant Matsumoto Rangiku, and two of Captain Zaraki's squad, Ikkaku and Yumichika.

The first of my human friends I see is Ichigo… he seems miserable. So different from the Ichigo I know… and that revolts me. I dragged him from school and told him some truths… and gave him my support so he could overcome his sadness, the best way I could.

Once we were done, I dragged him to my own safety place.

Orihime.

But for that moment, she couldn't be my safety place only. Ichigo needed her too, even if it made me feel a bit torn on the inside.

When I finally saw her again, I was both happy and a bit worried. Worried because I saw the consequences of her being hurt… she had stitches everywhere. Yet, she held the same smile for me the minute she saw me. I ran to her, literally, almost forgetting about Ichigo's body being dragged along.

We started a quick talk, and I was aware that I couldn't hide my happiness at seeing her again. I talk more than I should, until I feel Ichigo's body moving in my hand, so I stop and let him do his thing, as she looks down at him.

The boy can't even say a word.

I got angry, again, and forced him down, making him bow to her and apologizing for him. I was about to go on, until I herd his next words.

"I'll get strong… and next time… I will definitely protect you,"

It was amazing how those words brought an utter sadness to my heart. I should've been happy, right? I got him to apologize to her like he should've, and I got him to feel better about his own issues.

But standing there, looking at them, watching the way their eyes met for a long while, as if nothing in the world could ever tear them apart, was killing me.

I started to feel uncomfortable. I did not belong there. They were obviously having a moment of their own, which didn't involve me in any way. I started to walk away, leaving them both alone, feeling my legs shake as I tried to smile for myself and say it was okay.

I knew since the beginning Orihime had feelings for Ichigo.

I never even stopped to considerate that Ichigo could have feelings for her too.

The strange feeling in my gut stopped the moment I heard her calling my name. I turned around, and saw her blushing, with her lips joined into a caring thankful smile.

"Thanks, Kuchiki-san… and welcome back,"

As I looked at her, I felt my lips curving into a smile too, one I probably had never given to anyone before. She caught me completely off guard, a moment where I didn't have the time to put a hard face on. It was amazing how much control she had over me.

And although I still felt an ache in my heart over the fact I'd leave both of them alone with each other, at least now I could go on with my day with the picture of her beautiful blushing face while she looked at me.

…

Jealousy was something still new to me, pretty much like my feelings for Orihime, but those I was slowly starting to get used to.

But jealousy? No.

I'll admit that I envied Ichigo for having her love, even if he didn't know, but it was a jealousy caused because of her feelings for him. But this time was different. It was a physical jealous.

The moment it started was right after Matsumoto Rangiku tried to seduce Ichigo into letting her stay in his house… she even opened a button of her school shirt, and lifted a bit of her skirt. I was a bit surprised over the fact that Ichigo resisted her, even if he had an open finger through his eye.

However, a few minutes later, came the suggestion Rangiku herself had made:

"I'll stay with Orihime, then,"

I never had anything against Rangiku, but in that moment I felt the need to punch her. And I immediately hated myself for that. I hated having these ugly feelings, they brought out a horrible part of me I attempted to push away. But I couldn't help it.

Rangiku was an attractive woman, almost as attractive as Orihime. She had large breasts, larger than Orihime's and certainly larger than mine, crystal blue eyes and nice curves. Pretty much everything that I lacked.

Not to mention that her personality resembled a bit Orihime's, because they were both cheery and happy all the time. This woman could conquer any man or girl with her body and also her seductive air. And this woman was going to stay with Orihime.

Ichigo asked Rangiku if she'd already asked Orihime if she could stay, but just like me, Rangiku knew Orihime could never refuse helping someone.

I felt nervous and my hands begun to shake. Images of them together started to flood in my head… I knew Rangiku's reputation in Soul Society, she wasn't exactly a person that was ashamed to show off her body. What if she could attract Orihime's attention, the way I never managed to?

Regardless of how I felt or not, Rangiku was going to live with her anyway. Captain Hitsugaya too. And I would stay here, in Ichigo's house, only hoping I could someday stay with her.

It was the only thing I could do for now.

…

I almost died.

An Arrancar had stabbed me (with his hand) in the stomach, and the last thing I remembered was Ichigo saying something near me. It was all darkness and pain for the next minutes. I couldn't see anything, couldn't feel anything else.

And when I woke up, there was a yellow light around me. I opened up my eyes and there she was, perfect as usual, with the same bruises she had when I last saw her. Her grey eyes were focused on me, and she guarded a smile on her lips, for me.

My first thought was that maybe I had died and went to heaven.

But then I started to see more movement other than hers. Ichigo was standing by her side, with a depressed look on his face, and Renji was there too. It didn't take me more than a few seconds to realize that Ichigo was probably blaming himself for what happened.

I sighed, ready to lecture him about it, but there was still some ache in my stomach, the place I'd been hurt.

"Please, take it easy, Kuchiki-san," Orihime had said to me, a quick look of worry in her eyes. "I'm not done healing you yet,"

"Oh… I'm sorry, Inoue,"

She shook her head.

"There's no need to apologize. What matters is that you'll be alright,"

Her words brought the so-called butterflies into my almost healed stomach.

I kept looking at her, deep inside wishing it was just the two of us there. However, I noticed something odd about her smile… she seemed distant, as if she wasn't really there. As if there was something else bothering her.

I wanted to reach out my hand and touch her face, and say that, whatever it was, it would be okay. Then pull her close enough so that I could hold her in my arms, until all of her worries were gone. It'd be perfect if it was just the two of us.

But it wasn't.

And I didn't do anything.

…

Ichigo had disappeared.

Out of nowhere, without any warning… he simply disappeared. I looked around every place I could in town, but there was no trace of him, or his reiatsu. That worried me, and not just me, but his family also. And his friends too.

Orihime too.

I could tell by the way she looked the next day in school. There were bags under her eyes, and they didn't sparkle like they used to. She would constantly stare at Ichigo's chair, near to her side, and sigh and look down. That was my first view of her as I entered class.

She must've sensed me close, because she immediately put a cheerier face and looked up to me, waving with her eyes closed.

"Good morning, Kuchiki-san!"

 _Don't do this_ , I thought. _Don't hide from me._

I could tell it was a fake smile from miles away. It bothered me that she felt the need to pretend around me… and it also hurt a bit.

Yet, I still couldn't ignore her.

"Good morning, Inoue,"

I sat besides Ichigo's chair and thought of the irony. The only thing separating us right now was Ichigo's empty chair. What an irony of destiny.

I wanted to sit by her side, but maybe sitting in his chair would violate her privacy and her need to constantly look at it. I didn't say anything to her about Ichigo, but I knew she would find out by herself eventually.

Still, that didn't stop her from asking me about him a while later, during lunch.

"Hey… Kuchiki-san?"

"Huh?" I asked, looking up to her as I drank my juice.

"Do you… know where Kurosaki-kun went?"

I looked into her grey eyes. They sparkled a bit now, shining with hope. And I felt my heart breaking inside, because I couldn't give her what she wanted now.

"No, Inoue. He didn't say anything to me," I looked down as I said this. I couldn't look at her in the eye anymore. Not when I had just crushed her hopes.

"Oh," I heard her voice, slowly falling into disappointment. I wasn't looking at her, but I knew she was putting up the fake smile again. "I guess it's something serious then, right? He didn't tell it to you,"

We both stayed in silence for the next minute; it was a bit bittersweet to me how right now both of us were sharing the same feeling… that almost made me feel a bit closer to her heart…

But in that moment, her heart wasn't aching for me… it was aching for him.

That's the bitter part.

…

She was crying.

I opened up Urahara's shop door, and she saw the first thing I saw. She was standing in front of me, her eyes teary and her lips lightly trembling. I called for her, and was ready to ask if something had happened, when she started crying.

"Kuchiki-san…" She sobbed.

I didn't know what to do. She started to break down in front of me, and all I could do was move my arms and call out her name, trying to calm her down. Then I was reminded of how she comforted me when I was the same way in Soul Society, and slowly pulled her into my arms. She cried like a child against my shoulder, and I could feel her tears wetting my shirt, but I didn't care. I rubbed my hands against her back, feeling her shaking. It pained me on the inside to see her like this.

The Orihime I knew always had a smile on her face, was always cheery enough for the others when they couldn't be for themselves. It was hard to believe that that girl was the same girl crying in my arms.

A while later, she let go of me and took a few steps back. I looked into her eyes and saw how cloudy and red-ish they were. It was amazing how she could still look gorgeous even while she cried. It could cause envy into other girls, but it brought a warm feeling into my heart.

Whatever had happened, all I knew I had to do was take her away from there. So that's what I did. I took her somewhere, and she sat by my side, and told me everything that had happened.

I couldn't wait 'till I saw Urahara Kisuke again. I would punch him until his face turned purple.

I remember muttering insults that died in my mouth when I looked at her. She was carrying the same smile she had the last time.

"It's okay… I feel better now that I've spoken to you. Everything's okay… it's better off this way. The truth is I'm not s…"

This was not the girl I loved.

Seeing her like this brought anger to my heart. For the first time in my life, since I met her, I treated her the same way I would treat any other. I grabbed her by her collar and started yelling.

"Bullshit! It's not okay!" I almost felt like crying. "Haven't you been fighting since the start?! Didn't you go to Soul Society and fought along with the others?!"

"I… I…"

"How can you accept to be thrown aside so easily?! Doesn't that make you feel humiliated?!"

I needed to get her to feel something. I needed to make her understand that she was worth a lot more than she believed.

She said it wasn't like that, and I told her not to lie.

Then she yelled back.

"It's not a lie! I don't feel any of that!"

She was breathless and so was I. As I stared down at her, I let go of her collar and she fell back into the ground, on her knees, which still trembled. It almost hurt to look at her.

"It's just... it's going to be lonely, not being able to fight alongside everyone," She started, her hands closed into fists against her thighs. "But being lonely isn't nearly as bad as being in the way. If I'm just going to be a hindrance to Kurosaki-kun and to everyone, then it's far better to be lonely,"

The saddest thing about it all was that she said the last sentence to me with a saddened smile on her face. A genuine one.

It was her, again. That was the girl I loved, right ahead of me. Always sacrificing herself for the others. She didn't even care if she'd be alone while doing so. That's one of the reasons why I loved her so much.

She always worried for the others before herself. But it was time she started worrying about herself too.

I needed to make her understand that.

With this thought fresh in my mind, I stayed on my knees, ahead of her, and stretched my hand out until it touched her face, gently.

"Listen to me, Inoue…" I started, caressing her cheek, wiping her tears away. "In a battle, those who can't fight aren't the ones that get in the way, but those who lack determination. And so far in all our battles, nobody was a hindrance. Not Sado, nor Ishida, not Ichigo… and neither you… Inoue," I opened a smile for her. "If any of you had been less of yourselves, I wouldn't be here right now,"

I let my hand fall back to its place, releasing her face as she looked at me, her large grey eyes watching me with attention.

"For the decisive battle, there's always something we must do," I leaned a bit closer to her, my smile still in my lips. The smile I'd only give to her. "Let's seek for that together, Inoue,"

 _Please, marry me also._

The hope I saw getting lost in her eyes the last time I saw her, was now returning to her, as she managed to give me a smile… the smile I fell in love with. The smile I'd die to protect, if I had to.

"Kuchiki-san…"

We were having a moment. I could even pretend that she felt the same way I did, for an instant, but before anything else could happen, somebody else landed and took her away.

Literally, took her flying away.

…

We were together now.

Not like I wanted to, obviously, because she didn't even know about my feelings. But she'd come with me to Soul Society, and we were going to train together. She would stay with me at the Kuchiki mansion, and I had already asked for Captain Ukitake's permission.

At first I thought Nii-sama would disagree and not allow her to stay with us, but surprisingly even him seemed a bit reluctant at denying something while Orihime smiled like that. Which was good, after all. She would stay at a room near mine, and every morning we woke up early so we could train.

One day, while it was late at night, and I had just showered, I was going through the hallway to check up on her one last time before sleeping. And I found her sitting on her bed, an apprehensive look on her face, as her body moved back and forth.

I immediately asked what was wrong, if something had happened. She didn't say anything until I was right by her side, sitting near her.

"Do you believe we have a chance to win this war, Kuchiki-san?"

That took me by surprise. I hadn't really been thinking about that, to be honest. All I knew was that I needed to train harder and become stronger and do my best. I never stopped to think if we could actually win.

But I had faith in Ichigo. All I knew was that this boy was special. It was like he was meant to be a hero, a savior for everyone. So there wasn't any way somebody could come at me and convince me that he would lose.

Because I would never believe that.

I would always believe in my friend.

Still, I chose to not say anything about it. I just cleaned my throat.

"Why the question?"

She shrugged.

"I just can't help but worry sometimes," She said. "I worry for you guys, and for everyone else that will fight along. I wish there was more I could do to help you. I was here, all by myself, and that just crossed my mind. That really scares me,"

"There's no need to be scared," I said, laying a hand down her shoulder. "I'm with you,"

 _I'll always be with you._

She didn't say anything, for a while. We stayed in a comforting silence, just hearing each other's breaths. Then, slowly, her head turned to look at me; there was a slight blush in her cheeks, and she seemed a bit reluctant. I was about to ask what was wrong, when her hesitant words came out:

"Kuchiki-san… can you… sleep here with me, tonight?"

Oh, my.

I was sure she had no idea the effect those words had on me. I felt something tugging in my chest and my throat suddenly became full of saliva. I stayed silent for a whole minute, knowing that if I said anything now, I would probably end up confessing how much I loved her and how much she excited me.

It seemed like my eyes chose that exact moment to look at what was beneath her pretty face. She was wearing a Chappy shirt, one I borrowed to her, which seemed incredibly tight on her breasts, showing off every curve she had. She also wore shorts that didn't cover much after her butt, and showed off her olive thighs. She seemed absurdly gorgeous, even with her auburn hair messy and in the dark.

I knew I should've refused, for my own sake. But she was looking at me with those eyes, the eyes I'd been dreaming about since I fell for her. I could never refuse her. Never.

So I got up, and walked towards the door, closing it, and then turning to her.

"Sure,"

That was my response.

She replied me with a soft smile and patted a place near to her in bed, as she lied down.

Oh, God, oh God, _oh God_.

Hesitantly, I sat on the bed again and moved my body so it could be adjusted along with the silk sheets. I looked at the side, and she smiled at me one last time, before turning her back on me and covering half of her body with the sheets.

All I could do was hope for one good night of sleep.

I couldn't be more wrong.

Sleeping with her, or at least trying to, was pure torture. She moved a lot, until all of her sheets were out, and I had a full vision of her back. Her back was pressed against me, and her soft, curvy butt was resting against my uncovered thighs and my center. I felt my core aching, dying to pull her closer and have her right then.

I didn't remember feeling horny before, but I certainly did now.

Still, I did not move a hand to grope her or anything like. I just stayed in my spot, observing her and the way she moved.

Until she turned again, only this time to me, face to face, and her lips dangerously close to mine. I felt as if all the air I had inside me had vanished.

I was aware I was red as a tomato, and that my body was now burning with even more fervor.

If seeing her back had been able to turn me on, just image what she vision of her front was doing to me.

Her huge breasts were pressed against my chest, and her legs were now entangled with mine. I gulped way too loudly when I looked down and saw that her nipples were showing through the shirt… probably because she must've been feeling cold.

Her hard mounds moved against mine and the ache in my core turned harder. My own nipples began to harden against hers, and I had to fight the urge of kissing her in the mouth right now, or resting my bare hands against her large mounds.

My eyes went down to her tiny waist, and before I could control myself, I rested my hand there. I moaned silently at the softness of her skin, and I started to move my hand there. I felt her skin responding to my caresses and I smiled with her reaction. I fought, again, the urge to just pull her closer, and I chose to just keep watching her as my hand move. Her eyes were closed, but her lips were parted, making low sounds. She looked so beautiful there, ahead of me. So sexy.

She was driving me crazy.

Then, as I moved my hand once again, I heard an almost inaudible moan come out of her pink full lips, and another sound:

"Ku…"

I froze.

I was terrified over the thought that maybe she'd caught me caressing her, at such an out of character moment of me. I would die if that's what would have happened. I closed my eyes and started to retire my hand away, waiting for her to finish what she was about to say.

Instead, I heard her saying this:

"Ku… Kurosaki-kun…"

Silence.

Silence took over the room for several minutes.

I was a fool, wasn't I? I was so worried that maybe she would reprehend me from my actions, but she probably never even felt them. She was dreaming about Ichigo.

Dreaming about the man she loved.

Once again, I was reminded that her heart did not belong to me, but to someone else. I felt a need to cry, but managed to push it aside. I returned my hand to its place, closing it into a fist and holding it against my own chest, creating a distance between our bodies.

I really needed to stop doing this to myself.

I would only get hurt in the end.

Before she could move again, I was the one who turned my back this time. For the first time, I did not wish to look at her. I simply couldn't. Even if she was so beautiful that I could stare at her forever… for now, staring at her would only break my heart more.

For what seemed like an eternity after, I looked over my shoulder and found out that she had turned again, with her back to mine, seeming miles of distance away from me.

And so we slept, back to back.

…

A few more days went by. It'd been 29 days since Orihime had joined me in Soul Society, and also it'd been 29 days since I was fighting against my own urges as a woman. It was embarrassing, honestly, to be having these kinds of thoughts about someone.

I usually imagined her naked in my head, but no image I pictured seemed to do her justice. After what had happened that night, in bed, I did my best to keep a physical distance between us, but if Orihime noticed this, she gave me no signs of. She still reacted the same way, and her determination only made me admire her even more.

It was early afternoon. Both of us had arrived from training… some of her cloth had been ripped apart because of the Kidou thrown at her, but before I could apologize, she was claiming it was nothing. It was just a shirt.

Then I mentally apologized to myself, for making myself see a good view of her flat stomach, and tiny waist. I did my best to keep looking at her in the eye and avoiding look at her too much. That's what I kept telling myself as I went to Orihime's bedroom to ask her if she would like to have dinner, after changing clothes.

Then I caught her changing clothes.

I opened the door, innocently, hoping to find her sitting on bed, but instead I found her _naked,_ right ahead of me, only few meters of distance. Suddenly, whatever fantasy I'd had about her before seemed like a childish joke… she was much more than I ever imagined.

Watching her naked body from the door made me feel like I was taking advantage of her, and that's pretty much what I was doing. But I could not look away.

She looked as if she'd been drawn by the hands of a God. Every trace of her was impeccable, and I let the truth of her beauty sink in. She was literally perfect.

I could stay at that door, just looking at her, for a whole eternity.

However, faith seemed to be against me, because in the same moment she turned around and I, quickly realizing this, pulled back, hiding myself behind the door, my heart beating loudly and quickly, almost in my throat.

"Kuchiki-san?" I heard her voice.

 _Make something up, Rukia_!

"Oh, Inoue…" My voice was so shaky. "I came… to know if you would go down and have dinner now… Nii-sama is already there,"

"Oh, sure. I'll just finish changing. You can go ahead if you want,"

"Hm,"

Was all I could say. Before she could ask me anything else, I moved like a bullet towards the bathroom. In truth, I was on my way to get a shower before the idea of checking up on her came to my mind. Now, with the image of her in my mind, I entered the bathroom and leaned against the door, finally breathing loudly.

Seeing her vulnerable like that had reminded me of the other night, where we'd been so physically close, and her body had been touching mine teasingly. The same reaction started to grow inside me, and my center began to ache again… for her.

There was no mirror in this bathroom of the mansion, but I could sense that my cheeks were reddening. I felt so ashamed of myself… how could I be thinking like that? Although I was in love with her, Orihime was still my friend, and having these thoughts about her were something I wasn't exactly aware of how to deal with.

I breathed loudly for a whole lot more minutes, until I finally undid my robes' lace, and stripped myself of it. I stared at my own naked body, and started to remember hers. I kept trying to ignore the memory, and entered the shower, turning it into cold water. It hit me like a zanpakutou, almost.

I washed my hair, and began soaping my body. As my hands moved through my most intimate parts, I was reminded once again of the image I saw earlier.

I thought about her full developed breasts… her pink erect nipples… they were so big I was sure they probably wouldn't fit in my whole hand. Before I could help it, I imagined myself in the shower with her… my hands on her breasts, squeezing them, as she moaned in approval.

When I last knew, I was touching my own breasts, thinking about hers. I thought about latching my mouth against her hard nipples, sucking them, licking and biting. The ache in my center became harder, and I moaned, pressing my free hand against the wall, looking for a source of strength.

But all I could think about was exploring her body, the same way I was exploring mine. Squeezing her curvy butt, and sliding my fingers inside her center.

I curled my toes, no longer being able to handle the pleasuring pain. There was nothing else I could do. So, just like I imagined doing on her, I leaded my left hand down to my center and slid one finger inside, moving it inside. I moaned louder this time.

I continued with my movements, as I imagined kissing her deeply and passionately. I imagined my tongue meeting hers into an eternal embrace, and her hands moving around my body. Just the thought of it felt so good.

So I added another finger.

After a while, I felt something come out of me, and my legs felt wobbly. It was like I'd been sent to paradise. I sighed in relief as I felt the ache slowly going away and being replaced by a sensation of glory.

I pressed my back against the wall, breathing heavily, with a small smile on my face.

I could feel guilty later about what I had just done, and everything I thought about.

For now, I would just enjoy the feeling.

…

Training with her was hard too.

I had to try to hurt her, and this was way too difficult to me. I accidentally burned her once, and although I acted though, inside I was slashing myself for this. Even though she healed herself later, this didn't stop the guilt.

This day had started out like any other. We were training on the field I had asked Captain Ukitake to release for me. She was doing her best, I was sure of it. I could see how much she had evolved, and it had just been one month. That made me proud, both of her and myself.

Everything was as normal as it could get.

Until came a warning that the Arrancars were, once again, attacking Karakura Town. It was like the air slowed on both of us. I knew we were sharing the same worry for our friends now, if they were okay.

I promptly asked permission to go, and Orihime was ready to come with me. I would love to go by her side, but since she wasn't a shinigami, she probably wouldn't be able to.

After I told her this, I noticed how the look on her face fell. My insides twisted, and I almost went there to hug her, but I managed to hold myself back.

So I asked her to not give me that look.

"I'm going ahead and I'll be waiting for you,"

It was a promise I'd made.

She probably didn't feel much better, but there was the ghost of a smile in her pink lips, and for now that was enough for me.

So I left, towards Karakura, thinking about my promise to her.

Little did I know…

That was the last time I'd see her, in a long while.

…

"Inoue Orihime has been taken or already been killed by the Arrancars,"

How does a person breathe when there's no air?

That's what I asked myself the minute I heard this. Probably I could breathe because I was already dead… and in my shinigami form… but that didn't stop me from stop breathing the minute I heard this.

My ground disappeared. I felt like falling on the floor, before my voice finally came back to me, and I yelled:

"Captain Ukitake!"

I told him that it was too much to come to this conclusion… and he explained the situation, about how both of the shinigamis that went with her related they'd been attacked and then she'd just disappeared.

My legs felt wobbly, and I already felt like crying. Until I heard a loud shake near me, and before I knew it, Ichigo's voice was all around the room.

"Don't give me that shit!" He sounded so angry and desperate. "You're saying she's dead even though you have no proof?! Don't just say whatever the hell you want! Look at this!" He held up his right arm to Ukitake. "My wrist was badly injured during yesterday's battle! It was an injury no one could heal! But when I got up this morning it was healed without a scar! And there's even some of Inoue's reiatsu remaining!"

This started to bring hope back to my heart. And also brought questions. If Orihime had been able to heal Ichigo's arm… why had she disappeared?

Where was she?

"After seeing this, are you going to keep insinuating that she's dead?!" Ichigo finished.

And just when I thought things might've gotten better, Captain Yamamoto showed up.

He explained how what Ichigo had said in fact made things worse. Since Orihime had been able to visit him, that meant she must've left with enemy on her own will.

That had bullshit written all over it. Yet, I did not show any manifestation. I stayed in my spot, just hearing the words, ashamed of myself. Ichigo said something. Even Renji offered to go and get her back.

And what was I doing?

"You want us to abandon Inoue?" I asked.

"Exactly. There's no point in comparing the value of one life to the rest of two worlds,"

"My deepest apologies, Captain Commander," I said, lifting my eyes to meet his, suddenly feeling courage growing in my heart. "But I cannot obey that order,"

However, my manifestation was simply brushed aside the minute Nii-sama and Captain Zaraki entered Orihime's house through a Senkaimon. Once again, my hopes died and I felt as if someone had just stabbed me.

They were really going to leave her.

There was nothing else I could do, I concluded, looking sadly at the ground.

"I see," I heard Ichigo's voice again. "I won't ask Soul Society to lend me its power. But at least tell me how to get in Hueco Mundo," He said, with a hard look towards Captain Yamamoto. "Inoue is our comrade. I'll go save her myself,"

There it was.

What I should've done. Exactly what I should've said.

But the only thing I murmured was Ichigo's name. His request, however, was denied. Captain Yamamoto claimed we'd need his powers, therefore he was not allowed to go.

Renji's hand was resting on my shoulder, as he was pulling we towards the Senkaimon. My eyes did not leave Ichigo, who had his back turned on us right now. He was looking at the ground, probably just as hopeless as I was.

Maybe even more.

Orihime was the woman I loved. I would've done anything for her.

So why, in that moment, I couldn't be as brave as he was? Why didn't I fight for her?

"Ichigo…" I looked at the ground, as I slowly crossed the Senkaimon. "I'm sorry,"

 _I wish I could've helped you._

…

Nii-sama was the best.

On our way, he had explained to both me and Renji that his job was to only deliver us back to Soul Society. What we'd do after that, it was on our own and had nothing to do with him.

In other words, he was giving us the permission I needed to go and save Orihime.

So that's what I did. Along with Renji, I parted to Hueco Mundo. There, we met up with Ichigo, Ishida and Sado. I reprehended my orange-haired fellow, saying he should've known we'd come.

It did offend me, at first, that he'd thought I didn't care enough to fight for Orihime. Not only was she someone I loved, but more than that; she was a friend. A very beloved friend, in more ways than one. Of course I would come for her, even if I wasn't in love with her.

Through our entire way through Hueco Mundo, I couldn't help but notice Ichigo. He had bags under his eyes, pretty much like Orihime's when he had disappeared to train with the Vizards. I could see how much her abduction had affected him… maybe even more than mine had.

I was always ken on Orihime's feelings for him, but only lately I'd come to realize more of how deeply Ichigo cared about her. Part of me was glad, and the other, the selfish one, was worried. I already suffered too much with my one-sided love, and to think that maybe I'd have to face her being with someone else… just the thought of it brought a cold pain into my heart.

 _Stop this,_ I scolded myself. _You are here to save Inoue, and her only. Focus on that now._

…

I'm dying.

That's my conclusion as I moved my body through the floor. I could feel the blood spilling out, and the pain it was bringing me. I crawled a bit more, getting closer to my sword.

 _Get up._

 _Get up._

 _You haven't saved Inoue yet, so get up and do it._

That's what I kept telling myself.

As I reached for my sword, my eyes began to get watery and cloudy… it was so cold there. So cold being there alone.

Suddenly, a lot of flashbacks began to go through in my head. All of the important people in my life. Kaien-dono, Renji, Byakuya Nii-sama, Ichigo, Sado, Ishida… and Inoue.

 _I know it,_ I thought.

I know the loneliness.

The loneliness of being a prisoner; I know the joy you feel when your friends come to rescue you and the fear of them being injured and defeated.

 _So don't worry, Inoue,_ I think, as I finally reach for my sword, gasping tightly because every part of my body feels like it's gonna break apart.

"I'm coming…"

Those were my last words until I finally gave out to the pain and everything went black.

 _Inoue… I love you._

…

Turns out I didn't die.

My brother, Byakuya, arrived to save me along with Hanatarou, a shinigami from 4th division who helped Ichigo to save me when I was in Soul Society.

I got involved into a lot of fights. I came this close to seeing Orihime, but I gave it up at the last moment so that Ichigo could save her; he was the only one who could do that. There was no point in feeling bitter, so I just pushed those feelings aside for that moment. While I fought, I only thought of Orihime as a friend I needed to save.

Not as the woman I loved, not as the woman I wanted.

Simply my friend, like all the others.

It was the only way I could concentrate on my fights.

I almost died again, because of that huge Arrancar, Yammy. However, luck seemed to be with me that day and Ichigo showed up and saved me. I noticed something odd had happened, he didn't appear to be the same… he didn't look victorious.

Why? He had saved Orihime, hadn't he? What else could he ask for? Couldn't he see that's what we came here for? So we could save Orihime?

So we could save our sunshine?

A lot of stuff still happened. Nii-sama appeared again, this time with Captain Zaraki, and Ichigo left to Karakura with Captain Unohana, to go fight against Aizen. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried… I was. God, I was.

The thought of Ichigo losing was bringing a twirl to my stomach, but I immediately scolded myself afterwards. I believed in this man. After everything he went through… there was no way he could lose.

He had to win.

No.

He would win.

…

When I finally see her again, her clothes are half ripped, and she looks a bit pale. By her side is Ishida, but I barely notice him as I approach her.

We make eye contact, and suddenly it feels like everything else in the world went away. Nothing else mattered. A warm feeling grew in my chest as I took a step closer… even though I was a bit far, I could see her lips were trembling and her eyes were watery.

"Ku… Kuchiki-san!"

I smiled to her.

"It's been a while, huh, Inoue?"

She moved so fast I barely saw her. When I last knew, she was in front of me, her arms around me, pressing me against her body. My chin rested right above her chest, and my eyes widened at the sudden contact.

I hadn't felt that in, what, days? Had it really been just that? It felt longer.

But that didn't matter then, and until today doesn't matter. Eventually, I embraced her, resting my arms on her waist and squeezing her back as she cried against my hair.

"I felt you die!" I heard her exclaiming as she held me tighter. "It was so awful, I felt so useless! I wanted to help you, but… I… I couldn't… I'm so sorry…"

"Shh, it's okay," I breathed against her skin. She was a bit sweaty, but she still smelt good as usual. "I'm here now, aren't I? I'm alive,"

"Yes… I'm so glad, so glad," She said, still sobbing against me.

I know I should let her go, after all, Ichigo was waiting for us.

But I let my selfish side take over for a moment, and stayed there in her arms for what felt like an eternity.

Yet, it wasn't long enough.

…

After one month in coma, Ichigo finally woke up.

He worried us all being unconscious like that… the jerk.

I sighed, as I allowed myself to watch him for a few more minutes.

He had lost all of his reiatsu.

I guess I was just sad, you know? We might bicker, we might kick each other's ass, but Kurosaki Ichigo was my friend. No, he was more than that. He was like another part of me, another version of me. I did love him. Not like I loved Orihime, of course, but he was special to me.

And now, he wouldn't be able to see me anymore.

It's sad, really. I kind of got used to his presence around me… and I knew it was mutual. But what could I do? I was out of options and my hands were tied.

I sighed once again, and then looked at my side, seeing Orihime's sad eyes. However, they weren't directed to Ichigo but to me.

"What's wrong, Inoue?" I asked.

"I feel bad for Kurosaki-kun…" She said, making weird movements with her hands, looking down at the ground. "He… he won't be able to see Kuchiki-san anymore…"

I took a deep breath and put on a brave face, smiling to her like she always smiled to me.

"It's okay. I'll still be able to see him, so I'll be sure to do a lot of funny things now that he can't sense me," I joked, blinking an eye to her.

That seemed to ease her sadness a bit, because she laughed shortly. However, soon our laughter stopped and both of us stared at the ground.

"I know it's selfish to ask this, but…" She looked up to me with her hopeful big gray eyes. "You'll… you'll still come visit, won't you, Kuchiki-san?"

A soft wind blows through my hair as I watch her with attention. My lips curved into a smile, as I sighed, and nodded.

"Yes, Inoue. Of… of course,"

Her lips formed a bright smile, and she nodded too.

"I'm so glad,"

 _You're breaking my heart_ , I thought, as I fought back the tears.

After that, my next farewell was with Ichigo. We stood in front of each other, and as we said goodbye and I started to disappear on his eyes, images of the moment we first met came into my mind. I was to grateful to him.

Thanks to Ichigo, I met the woman I loved, I grew up more and became a better person… thanks to him, I found myself, the "me" I had lost over the years and could no longer recognize.

I would always be grateful to him.

As I crossed the Senkaimon, I remembered Orihime's last request before I turned my back on them.

" _You'll still come to visit, won't you, Kuchiki-san?"_

…

…

I didn't.

….

….

A/N: I'll post the rest as soon as it is ready. Please, whoever reads it and likes it, review =)


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